


Hungry Homosexual

by AubviouslyGay



Category: Falsettos - Lapine/Finn
Genre: Alternate Ending, Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Healthy Relationships, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mourning Sorta, Nightmares, No Smut, POV Marvin (Falsettos), POV Whizzer Brown, Slow Dancing, Smoking, Whizzer Brown & Jason Friendship, fluffy morning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:48:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26851705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AubviouslyGay/pseuds/AubviouslyGay
Summary: Marvin is handling the break up badly. Until Whizzer hears about his coping methods himself.
Relationships: Dr. Charlotte & Cordelia & Jason (Falsettos), Dr. Charlotte/Cordelia (Falsettos), Jason & Whizzer Brown, Trina/Mendel Weisenbachfeld, Whizzer Brown & Cordelia, Whizzer Brown/Marvin
Comments: 1
Kudos: 10





	1. Yummy Cigarette

**Author's Note:**

> Just to make this easier, this takes place in a suburb, not an apartment complex.
> 
> This first chapter will be a lot longer than future ones. Others will range from 1-3k words.
> 
> This took 5 months to write but it's finally done I think!!!  
> For my friends who know this fic, well- thank you, and I'm sorry for adding so so so much more than the original, but I promise it'll be worth it, it's a lot better.
> 
> I hope you enjoy the final edit of Yummy Ciggie, it took me a hell of a long time to finish writing.
> 
> And yes, I will continue this book, it won't abruptly end on Yummy Ciggie, I might just take a really long time to make future chapters because I want to put all my effort in so I can be completely satisfied with them. I want them to be good, but quality takes time!

May 30th, 1981

Marvin

I looked down at the all too familiar stick. I kept telling myself not to smoke day by day, but I couldn't always hold back. Well, I could never. I was smoking daily at this point. They just helped me relax, and God knows I needed some relaxation at a time like this. Sure, maybe it was wrong, but I didn't care about right or wrong. It was Whizzer. It was always Whizzer. I was fine with everything for the first month of the breakup, but I seemed to have collapsed mentally right after it. So about four or five months ago, I had my first cigarette. Maybe six, maybe seven, it's not like anyone's counting. A whole lot, that's how many I've smoked.

I don't know where it came from. I just saw a pack sitting around the house, and I tried it out. Whizzer used to smoke all the time, but I got him out of it. Those cigarettes must've been old. Assuming they belonged to him. It was with his things, so it wouldn't be such a wild thought. Now I seem to be smoking cigarettes daily. Once in the afternoon, and once in the evening. Although not necessarily once at those times, considering I have four to eight in one sitting. I didn't care. It made me feel better, feel more relieved. All my problems drifted away when the nicotine hit my lips, and that's all I wanted. I wanted all my issues to go away, and this helped me forget. It's not like it's uncommon. I don't know why I'm trying so hard to justify my habits. I know it's wrong, but I do it anyway. I have no reason to justify them, nobody's going to stop me. Nobody knows.

I quickly flicked on the lighter, and lit the cigarette, immediately pressing it up to my lips. It reminded me of Whizzer. I was desperate to feel that sweet release. I breathed out the smoke, my voice already shaking. I began to think of him, and could already feel tears welling up in my eyes. They flooded the back of my eyes, and the dam was about to break. Nothing really made me cry except for him. I cried a lot more when I was with him. I was more emotional. I was a lot more emotional.

My nose started running, and I wiped it off with my hand. I took another puff, and tears slowly began to stream down my face. My entire body was shaking. It was about a year and a half since the breakup now, and I've been thinking about Whizzer every day from then on. I thought I could find someone different, someone better, someone to always be there for me, and someone to love me. I of course found nobody, and as time dwindled on, I realized my general "type" was Whizzer. I mean, there was nobody like him. He was too hard to even begin to describe. Something about him just made my heart flutter. He was definitely a very special guy. He was everything I wanted and more, but maybe I wasn't to him as he was to me. Despite everything, he told me he loved me, more than once. I knew Whizzer has issues loving anyone, especially issues admitting it. He- loved me. Even if he didn't anymore, he did at one point. I still love him now, I know I did. I never realized just the amount of love I felt for him until he was gone. I regretted every bad thing I did to him. He didn't deserve my treatment.

This whole ordeal was my fault. I broke up with him, and now he was probably living his best life without me in it to hold him back all the time. He was free from the agonizing life he was living before. He was in prison when he was with me. Not enough freedom, always trapped. I took another puff and started wiping away my tears. They were streaming full speed now. I felt so much guilt for Whizzer. He deserved better from me. I wanted to treat him better now, but he was long gone. He wasn't coming back. I messed up, and I couldn't fix the damage I did. It was too late.

I began a coughing fit. It's as if no matter how many times I did this, I never seemed to get used to it. I guess it's my body's way of punishing me for such things. My coughing always had a way of interrupting my thoughts. They were never enough to make me forget Whizzer. Nothing was. My life was on hold without him. It happened to be the weekend, and as always, I was on the front porch, partly because I didn't want to smoke up the house, and partly because -- I couldn't let Jason know. 

He'd just tell everyone, and then they'd be far too concerned for my pitiful life and where it was headed. I didn't want anyone worrying about me more than they had to. Right now, all I wanted was to see Whizzer again, even if I couldn't talk to him, or kiss him, or touch him ever again like we used to. I just wanted to see him. Even if he was already in another relationship, I wanted to see him again. I wanted to know he was doing well, and that he was alive. I didn't even know that much at this point. God, did I miss him. He was all I wanted, and all I ever wanted these days.

I could hear someone coming down the road. I first had no reaction, but then realized it was Jason walking up with his friends. He's been on a bike ride with them since this morning. I quickly stomped out the cigarette and stuffed the box in my hiding spot behind me. I got into another short coughing fit in the scramble to hide it. Surely he wouldn't be able to guess. I was just coughing, that's it. Nothing suspicious about a cough.

Jason started walking up, and I could see him come into sight with his three friends, bikes trailing next to them. I continued covering my mouth to even attempt at hiding my coughing. I would've sworn I could see the kid roll his eyes at the sight of his choking father. I must've looked like a complete mess. I know I did. He shouted from the sidewalk, refusing to walk up the driveway to see me up close. I could get why he was so embarrassed, I was practically dying in front of him.

"We're going to the park!" He somehow yelled it quietly, not wanting to bring more attention to it than he already did. God, did that kid hate me.

"Alright. Put your helmet on, kid, we don't need you getting brain damage, your mother would kill me." I coughed every few words. I couldn't tell if it would ever stop, the smoke stuck in my throat like it was teasing me.

He shortly rolled his eyes again, more obvious this time, as if he was really telling his friends he hated me. I understood though, I'd hate me too if I was in his spot. He motioned to his friends, and they all got back onto their bikes. He even put his helmet on before he rode off into the neighborhood as fast as possible, eager to forget even looking straight at me in front of his friends. He must've been totally humiliated.

I kept coughing for a few more seconds and took a bit longer to breathe before pulling the box of smokes from behind me. Even after that fit of mine, I couldn't resist another. The coughing was worth the benefits. My health didn't matter when it came to smoking, I understood why Whizzer loved it so much. It probably helped with my constant bullshit. I felt bad for making him quit. I sank back into my chair and lit another cigarette, desperate to feel the sweet release it gave me. I cried even harder than before -- silently this time, I became more aware of how loud I was being -- because now I was thinking of Whizzer, along with the way Jason was acting around me. He had all the right to feel ashamed, I was such a wreck.

He always seemed so happy to leave the house on Sunday evenings and go back with Trina and Mendel. They knew how to take care of him. I didn't, not one bit. The only thing he looked forward to were the other kids in the neighborhood -- who he could only hang out with on the weekends, due to them living all the way over here, and Jason's main residence being Mendel and Trina's. Sometimes Charlotte and Cordelia visited too, and he enjoyed them. Even those two knew my own son better than I did. Everyone did. Today they were both busy, though. They promised they'd be by tomorrow, so I might even get to hear my son for once. He's always outside doing something, far, far away from me. He enjoyed everyone's company immensely compared to mine. I mean, who wouldn't? Whizzer certainly did, no doubt in my mind. He must've been doing so well without me.

Whizzer

Another day in the park, waiting for that kid to show up. The only eventful part of my life was seeing him. Every day it was the same old same old, hooking up with random guys to have a place to sleep, a shower, food, and sometimes even a dollar or two to live. I was just a sexual object to be passed around from man to man, but I didn't care. It seemed Jason was the only one who saw something other in me. He's just a child, after all. It's not as if he could use me, especially for those kinds of things. I'm sure the stereotypes would say otherwise about me. People always looked at me funny whenever I was with him and did anything remotely effeminate. I didn't have anything to owe to them. I didn't have to pretend to be something I was not.

Of course, I've been thinking fondly of Marvin. That's inevitable. I think about the rare good times we've had together, and I'm sad to admit I do miss him. We've been far beyond spiteful to each other, but I really do miss seeing him. I never realized how much I cared about him until I lost him. There's no way he'd take me back, even at the chance I'd somehow see him again. I'm willing to submit to him now. Marvin didn't use me, I used him. That's not Marvin. He just wouldn't do that. Even when he threatened to cheat, I wasn't scared. That's not the Marvin I know. Marvin loved me. Deep down, he loved me. He always did, he reminded me of it. Not all the time, but a hell of a lot more than I did. Marvin deserved more affection from me. 

I still see his face in Jason's every Saturday. I've thought about asking about him, but then he might think I'm using him to get in his father's pants- or something. I didn't know how Jason thought, but he was certainly smart enough to detect intentions. Not that my intention was to get into Marvin's pants. I just wanted to know how he was doing. Anyways, I really did like that kid, and I was lucky I got to see him as often as I did. It was the only nice part of my week. Before I knew it, he was wheeling over his bike, alone. As soon as he saw me he started walking faster and had the widest grin I had ever seen. Something about seeing the kid happy warmed my heart. He had Marvin's smile.

"Hi, Whizzer!" He stumbled over when he reached me, almost dropping his bike and faceplanting. I made sure he was okay before greeting him.

"Hey, hey, hey! Where's all your gear? You're okay, right?"

Jason looked at me in awe. Last week we had baseball lessons, and Jason said he liked it, so we agreed that's what we'd do on all these park trips. It made sense, the kid wasn't that good at baseball, especially compared to me. I worked my ass off in high school to be skilled, and it certainly paid off. Helping Jason was a bonding moment for us. I loved making the kid happy, I could definitely see some improvement even after one practice. It seemed as though he completely forgot everything he was supposed to bring. Now, all we had was a baseball, provided by me.

"I forgot!" he said, kicking up at the dirt. Looks like we'd have to do what we could with just the ball. I could probably figure something out.

"We could just- throw it?" I suggested, holding up the ball.

"Yeah, yeah. I wanna talk about something anyways. It's been bothering me for a while now, I figured you'd know what to do. I dunno."

"Before that, where are your friends?" I looked around a bit, but I saw no sign of anyone coming. Maybe they were just late.

"Oh, I decided I didn't wanna hang out with them when I got here. They said a bunch of stuff about my dad. They called him gay, but like- like as an insult, without knowing he was. It felt weird, I forgot that some people didn't like it. I don't get why. I just made up an excuse. I didn't wanna bring them here with you and all. Or anywhere. Just- lame."

I was surprised Jason chose his father over his friends for once. I suppose it'd make sense though, with me in his life and all. Actual important homosexuals who he really liked or- looked up to. Even as a kid he's generally pretty open-minded. It'd be hard to not be when you're in that position. I know deep down in him, he still loves and cares about his father. I was somewhat proud of him for making that decision. It definitely made sense, but it still surprised me. I never got respect from the outside world these days. Especially from heterosexuals. Anyways, I'm rambling.

"Ah, okay. How is your dad, by the way? Holding up alright? He's okay?" I winced at my own question, praying he wouldn't take it the wrong way. I wanted to make sure Marvin was okay, that was it.

We got into a position to throw it around while we spoke. I was lucky to have such an open opportunity to finally ask about him in a way that made me seem like I cared about the man for what he might be now, rather than the man he was, or what our relationship was. He's had to of improved by now, right?

"Well, see, that's actually what I wanted to talk about. He's been smoking out on this chair that's on the porch. He does it every day, a lot. For a really long time. And he cries. I don't know why he cries. Why does he keep doing it if he cries? He hides it from me whenever I go by, but it's very obvious. He thinks I don't know, but I do. I've known it for a while now, I just didn't know who to tell. I dunno, I think I'm worried. He used to yell at you for smoking inside, so why does he do it now? It's bad for you, isn't it? It's gotta be. Especially if he's crying."

His questions kept hitting me over and over again. I stopped to ponder before throwing the ball back. Isn't that something? Here I was, thinking he moved on, maybe found a new pretty boy, but now he seems to have lost it. Maybe not lost it, but of all the coping skills he could've latched onto! He used to bitch all the time about me smoking to the point it made me quit. He'd tell me I'd get lung cancer and die, or that it smelled bad, or that I'd give Jason some condition. I just got tired of it, and it wasn't worth Marvin complaining constantly. I'm a bit relieved I did after realizing how harmful it was. Now he's doing it himself and it's okay? It doesn't seem fair. If he didn't want me to die from smoking, why is he allowed to? I mean, it's not as if I wanted Marvin to die. That's part of the reason I really didn't like his new habit. I cared about his health.

"Do you- want me to talk to him about it?" I didn't think before asking the question. Jason looked surprised.

"Well, I don't know. I don't wanna make it worse. I know he misses you a whole lot, he talks about it to Charlotte and Cordelia a bunch. When I'm not around. I still hear it, though, he's not very discreet when it comes to hiding things from me, which has become apparent. But yeah, he definitely misses you. Sounds weird when I hear it, I thought he hated you. Or something, I dunno. He just talks about you all the time. Sometimes mumbles your name when he's crying. I dunno if I should be telling you all this."

Would you look at that? Marvin was so high and mighty when he kicked me out. I suppose he thought I'd come back to him in a day or two. I was sick of him treating me that way all the time, I was completely done with it. After I left I wanted to come back, I really did, but I didn't want to slaughter the bits of dignity I had left. I'd look stronger if I never came back, and maybe I'd get over Marvin in my time away, go back to the life I was living before. I didn't realize how much more miserable and boring life was without Marvin. He kept me safe at least. I realized just how much I cared about him in my time away, completely backfiring my initial thoughts. I didn't want all these hookups, I wanted Marvin. He has a roof to sleep under, a stable job, food on the table, but it's still not enough for him. I'm the missing piece to his picture-perfect lifestyle. At least he thinks so, it would appear. I want to be the finishing piece. I want to live that life with him. I want to be with Marvin.

"Whizzer? Are you listening?" I snapped out of my daze. I still had a problem at hand, I almost completely forgot just thinking about Marvin so much. Thinking about him always seemed to distract me. I've been kicked out of apartments because of a lack of enthusiasm during sex because some guys reminded me of Marvin. Thinking about Marvin made me sad, and got me right out of the mood every time.

"Oh, sorry, got lost in my thoughts. I think his smoking is a pretty bad habit for him, kid. If anyone could talk him out of it, it would be me. Especially with- how he thinks about me. Based on what you've told me at least. If he misses so much he'll probably listen to me. Most likely."

I was acting as if I was ready to face him, but in reality, I knew I was scared shitless to even get a glimpse of him. Not to mention seeing him suffer like he clearly was. I still cared about the man, I didn't want to see it. He never really showed any signs near me. I knew his anger quite well, but I haven't seen gloom. Sometimes he cried about upsetting me, sometimes he cried about childhood trauma. but this was a whole new story. I was only used to him crying sometimes, not this. Obviously, he was smoking, but what else could he be doing to cope? The possibilities were endless, and they were running into my head, thinking of the worst. I didn't want to think like that. I needed to have hope he was more okay than my head told me he was.

"Are you sure? I don't wanna make things worse. I'd hate for it to be my fault."

"I'm sure as I'll ever be. I promise."

Jason threw the ball back to me and quickly headed for his bike. It looked like he wanted it to be over as fast as possible so he wouldn't have to be nervous for longer than he had to be. What was he so afraid for? He held it and showed me the way back to the house. We said little things on the way to make it seem happier than it was. He told me about Charlotte and Cordelia, told me about his new school, about chess, about the good friends he had, about everything that came to his mind. I could tell he was trying his best to make me happy, but I couldn't think happy thoughts. It felt like I was making a huge mistake. 

Marvin

I dropped the fourth cigarette and stomped it out. I felt better after the smoke. It was always the ending for me that made it worth it. I got everything out after I was done smoking. All my negative feelings faded away. I decided to stay out on the porch and wait for Jason to come back. He probably wouldn't want to see me when he inevitably arrived, but I didn't care. I wanted to make sure he came home safely. It's the least I could do with the "responsible father" image I put on. Perhaps I was the only one who even believed that garbage. I was certainly far from it. Perhaps I didn't believe it at all. I knew I was lying to myself about it. I was always lying to myself about something. I lived a life of denial.

I decided I wanted more. I thought I was done for now, but I felt the urge again. I felt like I needed more to turn off my emotions. I was getting too sad, I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't let Jason see me like that, it simply wouldn't work out. I almost picked the box back up when I heard someone coming up the sidewalk. We lived on a hill, so it took a few seconds for those walking up to come into view. I put the box back in the empty plant pot quickly. We had a table next to the deck chair I sat on, and a pot that never had anything in it. I used it for effortlessly hiding the smokes. I figured there'd be no reason he'd look inside of it. Who would just- look? I don't know why I hid them, actually, I had no idea who was coming back up. A lot of people knew about my habits. Marvin, the old neighborhood Jew who's smoking his life away. At least my family hadn't figured it out yet.

I could see Jason walking up -- now not regretting my choice to hide the box -- and I wondered why he was home so early, but then I saw Whizzer come into frame, and I knew nothing following would be pleasant. I already felt like I was about to cry all over again, seeing him again didn't help my depleting mood. I didn't think it'd be so soon. I hadn't seen him in what felt like a decade. I sank into my chair, looking away. Maybe he simply wouldn't notice I was here. Stupid thought. To think he'd forget about me. It's not like he was here for no reason. I hoped to God he was just dropping Jason off. I didn't know why he was with Jason, actually. I didn't have time to figure it out.

glanced back up, and he was already stepping onto the driveway, coming straight for me. His face was showing no sign of emotion. I couldn't look away. The gaze alone made me feel more than vulnerable. I knew he was handsome, but I seemed to have forgotten just how stunning he was. That wasn't the kind of thing I should be thinking about. He just took my breath away, really. I didn't know how to stop. I quickly realized there was no way he was just dropping Jason off. He was here for me. He was determined to confront me, I could feel it. I couldn't look away, I could tell he knew I was staring. He almost looked- flattered. No, definitely not. He was probably just embarrassed to see me again. I would hate coming back to see your ex-lover. Especially one like me.

He stopped just a few feet away from me and told Jason to go inside. Jason complied immediately and left us two alone, not looking back for a second. I was terrified. He wanted to talk to me in private, away from the kid. Maybe he was just saying goodbye to spite me? He stared straight at me, and I stared back. I must've looked like a complete mess. I was still wearing the same clothes I slept in the night before. It was a Saturday, so I didn't bother cleaning up my act. I had the weekends off. Well, not completely off, but I only had a bit to do from home. That's not the point, though. I never got much sleep with Whizzer gone. Even when he was in the house and wasn't in bed with me, I could never sleep right. That held on for the entire time he was gone. I was exhausted all the time. I always had bags under my eyes. I just looked in general -- horrible. I hated letting Whizzer see me at my lowest like this. I didn't want to see him anymore.

Jesus, I had no idea what to say to him. The man I thought about at all times, the man I cried about. The same man I begged to see every hour of the day was now standing right in front of me, and I hated it. It was an uncomfortable situation. Seeing Whizzer again didn't seem to be something I really wanted anymore. It's not like he cared about me. He came here to spite me. That's it. Tell me he was doing better than me. Know that I was doing badly. Liking that I was doing badly. Whizzer hated me, he would never come here for a positive reason, not after what happened between us. Whizzer hated me more than anything else in the world.

Why was he here? He walked Jason home, so had they just been seeing each other? I had so many questions that had to be left unanswered. Either way, he was here now, almost as if he was waiting for me to ask any of the many inquiries I had. Like he read my mind but wanted to hear it from my own voice. I did try hard to speak, but nothing would come out. I wanted to ask him everything, I wanted to know everything about how he was doing. Seeing him made me fall in love all over again. I wanted him again. Anything from him. He could murder me on the spot and it'd make me happy, at least he acknowledged my existence. God, what am I talking about? I'm getting hysterical. I just missed him. I wanted to hear him say goodbye at least. I'd be happy to hear his voice again. I felt like crying again, but I didn't want Whizzer to see me more vulnerable than he already was seeing if that was even possible. I completely ruined any good views he had of me, assuming any existed.

He took a deep breath before speaking. I prepared myself. "So, Marvin. A little birdie tells me you've been smoking. Remember when you used to bitch to me about it? That was forever ago, now wasn't it? That's funny, isn't it? How much of a hypocrite you are. You're allowed to smoke, but I'm not. Because you're the man of the relationship, and you call the shots. You get to decide on what's right and wrong for me. Is that right?" I didn't respond. "Is that right, Marvin? You're smoking?" He said it so condescending. I felt attacked, but rightfully so. His anger was justified, and I knew it. It wouldn't hurt to keep lying.

I was always denying everything. I never stopped lying. I practically spat my response. "That's not tr-"

He stopped me before I could even finish the word, letting out a small laugh at how foolish I was acting. It was so obvious it was painful. I couldn't lie, especially not to Whizzer. He saw passed everything. "Do you think I'm a fucking idiot, Marvin? I can still smell it on you!" He came over close to me and took the box out of my not so secret hiding spot before I could stop him. "Who the fuck hides a box in a flower pot? Who just has an empty pot lying around? You really haven't thought this through, have you? Do you really think you're all that and some more? Do you really think you're so slick? I'm shocked you thought your son didn't notice. Or maybe you did it anyway, knowing he knew. That kid is worried sick about you Marvin, he fucking hates seeing you tear yourself up like this."

His last few words hurt me. I had no idea Jason knew. I had no idea he worried. I had no idea about any of it. I thought Jason hated me, maybe even more than Whizzer hated me. They were both justified to hate me. I didn't want to hurt Jason. "Whizzer, I-"

He rolled his eyes and scoffed, expecting a stupid response. "You what, Marvin? You what?" He crossed his arms and looked at me, waiting for a response.

I started to try and explain myself, but I could only let out a choked cry, before starting to sob again, even harder than last time. He hated me, he really hated me. I was such an idiot to think he'd actually want to see me again and not scold me. I was an idiot to think nobody knew about me smoking. I wasn't discreet at all, it's no wonder Trina caught us in the den that night. He just came here to tell me off. "I'm sorry." That was all I could muster. I stared back at him, tears streaming. His face contorted into a worried frown. I realized this was his first time really seeing me cry. I never let myself show any real emotion around other people. Sure, I've cried around Whizzer more than enough, but not in situations like these. I always cry because of the past, or because Whizzer is upset. I never cried hard in those situations. I never really unraveled my tears. He never saw me upset like this. It meant so much more.

"No, no- Marvin, I didn't mean it, I'm sorry for snapping at you, I didn't-" He put his arms out as if he was going to hug me, but I began to make noise. I couldn't hold back anymore. "Please don't cry. I'm sorry, I don't want you to cry." He sounded as if he was going to cry too. He pulled his arms back to their previous position and looked at the ground, not wanting to see me cry. I began to shake and could taste the tears. I hated letting him see me like this. I wasn't myself.

"I- I missed you so much. Please don't yell at me." I attempted to wipe away my tears, but they were simply flowing too fast. Apparently, my body missed him more than I thought it did. "I didn't know what to do."

He reasoned with it in his head. "I missed you too, but-"

I felt my mood change suddenly. I never knew why it happened, I always had sudden bursts of anger out of nowhere. It made me so mean. "No, you didn't! You just kept going out with other men! You just miss me buying you things! You never fucking cared about me!"

He was taken aback by my rage, fighting back instantly. "If I didn't care about you why the fuck would I be here? I couldn't just let you sit here and suffer! You're killing yourself for God's sake! Maybe you don't see it, but I certainly do. You said you missed me, but you're very quick to be an ass about me when I try to tell you that I fucking care about you. Why are you like this? Why do you act like this? Why are you so mean?"

I stopped to continue to cry loudly. I couldn't answer his questions, I didn't know the answer myself. I couldn't tell if he was sad or angry, but I could see tears dripping out of his eyes, but he wiped them away before they could flow. It felt like all my words weren't my decision. I didn't want to yell at him, I didn't want to say those hurtful words to his beautiful face. I didn't want to see him so upset, all because of me. I started to breathe slower and wiped away my tears. It was my fault. I didn't want to hurt him more.

"I'm going inside, Whizzer. You should probably just leave." I was doing it for his own wellbeing, he didn't deserve me being rude. He deserved someone else to treat him the right way. I wasn't that person.

I got up and walked towards the front door, but right when I was reaching for the doorknob, Whizzer pulled my free arm back and spun me around to look up and face him. I didn't understand why he was so persistent. Why wouldn't he just let me go? I was being mean. I met his eyes. They were dark, and- and sad. I could see tears glossing over his eyes. He was practically begging to break. I couldn't help feeling bad for everything. It was my fault he was so upset. I wanted him to go live a better life. He didn't need more emotional pain. He didn't need anything more.

He breathed deeply again. "I'm not leaving without an explanation, Marvin. What's really going on with you? You wouldn't do this because 'miss' me. There has to be more than that. There had to be. What's wrong? Please, Marvin. I wanted to know what's wrong. I hate seeing you like this."

I avoided eye contact. "That's really it, Whizzer. That's really it."

I could hear him sniffle. "Then why are you acting like- you hate me? Do you hate me, Marvin?"

I met his eyes again, wanting him to believe me. "I don't hate you, I'm upset. That's all. Why are you even here?"

He looked stunned. "I- Jason's been meeting me at the park. I assumed it was with your permission. You didn't know?"

I almost choked out my answer. "N-no. He never told me this. I- I didn't even know if you were still alive. I just had to hope you were."

He blinked a few times. "I guess I get why you were so shocked now- This explains a lot. I was- I mean, Jason was worried about you. He was the one who told me about this smoking thing. You don't clean up very well." He let out a small laugh, trying to lighten up the situation.

I scoffed. "As if you'd know anything about hiding shit. How indiscreet could you be, huh?" I finally pulled away from his grasp harshly. I didn't like him touching me, it was too intimate for our current status. It'd tempt me too much. 

He frowned. "Are you even the same person? I don't remember you being this immoral. I'm trying to be nice to you."

"What do you know about morality? You couldn't even stay faithful for a week if you tried." I sat back down on the chair and flicked out another cigarette. I didn't care anymore.

"Marvin!" He took the cigarette from my fingers before I could even fetch the lighter. "I'm not just gonna sit here and watch you kill yourself! Why can't you just understand I fucking care about you?" His eyes glossed over again.

I rolled my eyes. "I don't understand it because it's not true. Even my son can't face me."

He stuttered out a few words of gibberish before getting his sentence out."He's the reason I'm here! I'm here because he cares about you, and because I care about you! Why would I just show up suddenly like this?"

"Because you-"

"What? Because I want your money, or- or just a quick fuck? You are unbelievable! I want the old Marvin back! Even if he was shitty, at least he had a heart!"

I sighed. "Fine."

He backed up, not understanding. "What? Fine what?"

I sucked in my lips. "I'll let you inside. I'll- I'll give you a place to sleep if you need it."

"Are you breathing? What's with this mood change? Again?"

"I don't know. I missed you, and you missed me, right? So do you wanna come in or not?" I looked at him, practically pleading. I wanted him again, I couldn't hold back. I wanted Whizzer all to myself.

He coughed awkwardly. "I- I guess?

"Good. Let's get a move on then, shall we?"

Whizzer

I stepped into this new unfamiliar home. It was pretty similar to the previous one, just a lot more vacant without Trina's bit of knowledge on interior design. Even if everything had flowers, at least it was better than this sad, empty house. Marvin really seemed like he completely lost it when I left. Maybe he left me. It doesn't matter, we left each other, and both took some sort of fall for it. I didn't realize my absence would have such an effect on him. I guess I didn't know just how much Marvin cared about me. I wasn't expecting it to this extent. I felt guilty for not coming back sooner. I had the urge to grab his hand to comfort him, but I didn't.

I couldn't tell who was doing worse. Sure, I was dirt poor, in and out of closeted men's homes, sometimes even being caught by their heartbroken housewives. I didn't hold any remorse for those men. It was their fault for not telling me about it. I never went with married men, they just didn't tell me, because they knew most people wouldn't want them if they were married. It was too complicated that way. I didn't even bother to see the guys who had wives again. Marvin had at least enough respect to inform me about Trina. I remembered always hating her before we really met. Marvin talked about her like she was a million times worse than the real Trina. She's really not all that bad. As good as she can be for a wife whose husband left them for a man, anyway. Better than you'd expect.

I'm a bit happy he chose me to discover himself, as odd as it sounds. The adrenaline was even a bit fun when it lasted. The fear of being caught with him. Sure, it made me nervous --nervous enough to pick up old bad habits -- but sometimes it was a rush of energy, a new experience for me. Marvin was the first guy I ever had that I bothered being a "boyfriend" of because he had a good income, and who wouldn't take free sex, gifts, and a house to live in? And I will admit, at the beginning stages of our relationship, Marvin was very nice to me. He made me feel cared about like I was worth something more than sex. I wasn't here for that this time like Marvin assumed. I wanted to help him as much as I could in this situation. Marvin used to help me, he deserved it.

It all collapsed when we finally were caught. I'll never forget that night. It was as if Marvin was stuck. I remember being scared and trying to indicate that I could hear someone, but apparently Trina wasn't the only one coming downstairs. She really came at the worst time possible, with Marvin in the middle of climaxing and all. He couldn't be stopped when he was on that stage. It was already too late to pull out and hide, or even just cover up a bit. She kicked us both out right away, not wanting Jason to see the two of us in the morning. Marvin drove me back to the hotel we were staying at. We didn't know what to say when we got there. I had to listen to Marvin cry all night. I really felt bad for him, and just tried to comfort him as much as I could. It almost felt like that night all over again, just a different situation. Marvin was crying so much, over something that happened between us. I wanted to help him, I really did.

Anyways, those closeted men reminded me of Marvin all too much, and why would I want to think about him all the time? I couldn't go through that mess again. At least the bad parts of the relationship. Sometimes I would think about Marvin during hookups. I couldn't really do anything when I thought about Marvin, he invaded my thoughts. I would just end up missing him all night, sometimes ending up on the streets, trying to keep up my energy so I could find somewhere to stay as soon as my bad mood faded. Sometimes I didn't even go anywhere all night. I've spent more than enough time hiding in the city, crying my eyes out, missing the life I used to live.

That was my situation, but Marvin was sitting in his saddened home smoking away all his pains. He really missed me, I could tell, half of him just seemed too afraid to really admit it. It was as if his mind was impulsively arguing with itself and he just spoke whatever came out of his head to me, whether it was rude or not. I didn't always get mad when Marvin was mean, I knew he was impulsive and never meant any of the mean things he said to me. Sometimes Marvin did hurt me though, like during the chess game. He hurt me a lot. The house was a shot from a movie, really. An empty, broken home, where you could just feel all the pain that Marvin felt. I wanted Marvin to feel better with me. I wanted to be happy with him.

It was a lovely house from the outside, but from the inside, it looked like an abandoned warehouse. It was depressing, to say the least. I could understand why Jason was so eager to leave time and time again. It was dimly lit by the sun only. It looked like he was trying to save up on the bills with the lack of light, but I knew he made more than enough money. Especially without having to spend it on me anymore. I liked to receive gifts, and he knew that well. He didn't leave me with much, though. 

I could even see a bouquet of dead flowers that he got me, the single time he gave into my demands about the flowers. He never got a vase for them, so they died, and I guess he never got rid of them. I assumed he would've thrown them out, but they were still there, untouched. The more I looked, the more I could spot the old gifts he got me. They were sitting around, making the house seem even more upsetting. I could almost perfectly envision him brooding over them and crying about them. Hopefully, that wasn't the case. I had a vivid imagination when it came to these kinds of things. I knew Marvin liked mourning. Well, not like, per se, but I knew how he mourned. I knew he liked objects of remembrance. He used to tell me he looked at photos of me to calm down. He was acting as if I died, though. It was a bit concerning. I was right there for him. Now, at least.

I had a lot of time to look around his home. Marvin kind of stood there like he was stunned I even existed. He even let me survey over him, not making eye contact of course. He looked more than tired. For some reason, I could see him better inside. It looked like he hadn't gotten any sleep in a hundred decades. Or at least a good night of sleep. I almost went in to pick flakes of whatevers in his hair based on habit alone. You'd think I'd forget the routine after the time went spent apart, but it was oh so clear in my mind. I missed the routine.

"Marvin, sweetheart- What's going on with you?" I said, putting my arms around his waist, despite expecting him to push me away. He didn't though, he held me too. I was surprised he let me get this far, even if it wasn't all that far. He was just letting me act like we were lovers again.

He sighed, looking away and then back up to me. "Shouldn't it be obvious? I'm tired of living- in a world without you. I just have the memories. I can't live without you. Or at least it doesn't feel like I can. I really have thought about ending it all, but I care about Jason, and Charlotte, and Cordelia. It's like they're all I have left. I know it sounds dramatic, but that's really how I feel."

Part of that broke me. "Don't say that, Marvie. I'm here now, I'd like you a lot better alive. And what about Trina?"

He frowned, dissatisfied. "Come on, Whizzer. You know she hates me."

I shook my head and kissed his forehead. I could see him smile, not even trying to hide it from me. "That's not true at all. She said it herself, remember? She wasn't ashamed to have loved you. And- I'm not ashamed to be here for you right now. You're special. Even if you can't see it sometimes, you're more than enough."

He shifted his eyes for a few seconds before landing on me once again. "I'm just not sure about all that."

"I'm right here for you. Life is so boring without you in it, I miss laughing with you. I want to be with you- I'm willing to commit to you, Marvin, I am. I like you a lot. I'll never leave again. I'll be here with you every step of the way. I- promise you." I didn't even know if I was telling the truth. I spoke so fast, a habit I had when lying. I didn't know if I could commit to him. I'm hoping if he improves, I can too.

He gave me a hopeful smile. "Do you really mean that, Whizzer?"

"Of course I do, Marvin. You're worth everything, I don't need anyone else. I'm so happy. to be here right now. And now you live on your own- I'm more comfortable. I hated when Trina and Jason got in the way of us. You're my everything, Marvin, everything is perfect now." I felt like a broken record. I wanted him to believe me desperately, and I had no idea why. I was speaking at a million miles an hour.

I could hear him sniffle. "God, I don't even know what you're talking about, but I missed you so much."

I motioned for him to follow me, and he took the signal, and we walked over to the couch together. It was a cheap couch, but I remembered for the first month I moved in -- when we were almost healthy -- we used to sit on the couch and comfort one another. I'd lay down on it, and he'd be laying over me, my arms lazily draped over his shoulders. It looked like he remembered too, and we got into the position effortlessly. I never really told him I did, but I loved sitting with him like this. It made me really feel like I loved him, and that he loved me. Some of our most affectionate nights were spent like this. We'd fallen asleep in this position more times than I could count. I knew it comforted him, and he certainly missed a lot of affection from me. He had the biggest smile that he couldn't wipe away.

It was unusual to do this again at all, but to see his face in daylight for once was a whole new experience. We usually did this in the middle of the night -- after sex of course -- so it was usually with both of us naked, sweaty, and tired. Now we were both clothed, staring at each other like we were a normal couple that loved each other for years. I could see him on the edge of crying again, but it didn't seem to be for any bad reason this time. He smiled again. He really smiled at me. I forgot how wonderful that smile could make someone feel. Marvin was really something lovely when he wasn't in a bad mood, which happened to be most of the time. His smile made me feel like not everything was horrible. It wasn't, not with Marvin.

He was happy now. He was happy with me. He was happy to see me and to be held by me. Tears started falling down, but he didn't reach to wipe them away this time. It felt so amazing to be able to be with him like this again. I really did miss having him. I stayed with him for a reason, and it was because of the good side of him. I never got to see it anymore, and to see him like this made me fall in love all over again. I was in love.

I sighed dreamily. "Marvin, I think I'm in love with you. I know I've said it a few times before, but it feels right to say it now. I love you, Marvin. No games."

He let out a small giggle before responding. "I love you too, Whizzer. I've been wanting a right time to say it for an eternity. Before it didn't feel real sometimes. I'm not ashamed to love you now- or when I did before. I'm really not sure, but I do now, and that's what matters." He flipped his face backward and held my face. "I'm happy to love you any day. I'm so, so, so in love with you Whizzer Brown. You're perfect and- more than enough for me at any time. I love you too."

I gave him a quick kiss on the forehead before looking back down at him again. "I don't know how to start not falling in love with you. You're beautiful, Marvin. It feels so good to say it. I really do. It's so hard to say it sometimes."

He smiled again. He was always smiling. "We don't have to say it, baby. Just show it. What you do is more important than what you say."

He laid with me for a while after that, keeping me up to date with what I missed when I was gone. He told me about how everyone was doing, who talked about me, what they said. He told me about the bar mitzvah, how Jason was still a God at chess, how Jason was bad at baseball. He told me about Charlotte and Cordelia, who they were, and how they met. Marvin sounded so happy to talk to me. I remembered how happy he was whenever he got to talk to me about anything. He said everything felt better when he was talking with me. He always wanted to talk to me, it made me feel so special. I was special, to Marvin at least.

After we talked for a bit, he finally popped the big question I was waiting for. "So- does this mean we're a thing? Again?" He said it so quietly, almost shy of asking.

"Fuck, Marvin, I said I loved you. Of course."

He smiled a bit to himself. For whatever reason, he was just adorable to me. He was all giddy and excited. It made me certainly believe that he wanted to be with me. He kept glancing up and me and looking away when I caught him looking. We were being so cheesy and cliche, but I didn't care. It was with Marvin, I'd live.

He looked up again. "God, whenever I look at you I just get so worked up."

"You mean like- a boner?"

He chuckled. "Sometimes."

We stayed laying there, staring at each other lovingly. He was truly a sight to behold. We slipped into a trance, just sitting there, not breaking eye contact, telling each other how much we cared through only eyes. We were snapped out of it when the house phone rang.

"I'll get it!" Marvin leaped over to it as if his life depended on it. His eyes lit up when he answered. "Oh, that'd be great! I got something important to tell you guys anyways- but just wait. It'll be worth it, I promise."

He briefly hung up the phone and darted upstairs. I went to follow him, but he told me we were going somewhere, and to make myself presentable. I scoffed lightly and went into the supposed bathroom. It took a bit of looking, but I found it fairly quickly. I dabbed my face with a towel and fixed my hair in the mirror as much as I could with just my hands. There wasn't that much to change.

When I went back to the living room, Marvin was waiting in a whole new outfit, and yelling for Jason. I still didn't know what was going on, but I suppose it couldn't be too bad if Jason was coming with us, right?

I decided to take my chance and ask. "Marvin- Where are we going?"

To my surprise, he answered right away. "Charlotte and Cordelia's. They got home and asked if we'd -- well, I'd -- like to come over, and I have to tell them about you and everything, so- we're going there."

"I just thought I was gonna get some time together after we just got back together. I was enjoying laying with you."

His eyes widened. "Do you want to stay here? I understand if you're too tired."

I put on a smile. "If it's what Marvin wants."

"Whizzer, I want you to be fine with this."

"It is fine. I don't wanna argue. I'm okay, okay?"

"Baby-"

"Don't."

I didn't mean to be cold with him, but I was tired of him contradicting me. I was done with not agreeing with him. I loved him for a reason, right? Sometimes I actually wanted to do what he wanted to do. I sighed at his upset face, and walked over to him, wrapping my arms around his waist and kissing him on the forehead again.

"I'm fine, really. Promise."

"Good. That's all I want." He leaned up to kiss me, but Jason cleared his throat, prompting us to stop showing so much affection, and we shifted to stand next to each other instead.

"Is Whizzer staying with us now?" He said it so innocently- almost hopefully.

Marvin looked over at me, and I nodded. "Yeah. He's staying with us." He reached over to grab my hand, and I let him take it. "Hopefully it's forever this time." Jason shockingly seemed pleased with this answer.

"Don't get all sappy, Marv. Let's go."

He kissed my cheek quickly. "I'm not getting sappy at all. I'm just telling the truth."

"Sure, sure. You're just looking for any excuse to compliment me. Admit it."

He grinned. "Never."

His hand stayed laced around mine when we walked outside, all the way to the house next door, and didn't let go when we got to the front door. Jason trudged behind us as if he were sick from all the affection. I was the one to knock on the door, while Marvin leaned on my shoulder as if he drank a gallon of booze and couldn't even walk. Every now and then he perked up to kiss my cheek. I guess since he missed all the kisses before he was taking advantage of it. I just didn't know how Jason felt about it.

He whined quietly when I finally denied a few. I didn't want the kid to be too uncomfortable with us. Marvin could be such a child sometimes. The door finally opened, and Marvin finally snapped fully awake. He didn't let go of my hand, but he stopped leaning on me. The two women at the door stood there, surprised. One whispered one to the other. The blonde spoke first.

"You're- Whizzer, right? Or are you someone else?"

"You know me by name?" Marvin made some expression on his face, trying to signal the girls to stop.

"Yeah, Marvin talks about you a lot. Is this what you wanted to tell us about, Marvin?" She pointed to me.

He coughed. "Yes. Yes. Thanks for putting me out in the open like that, Jesus."

"Well, come in then."

They led us into the house, and I could see them greet Jason behind us. Obviously, these were good friends of Marvin's. I mean, Marvin told me so, I knew for a fact they were close. Their home was a lot more colorful and bright than Marvin's place, a nice change from his empty, empty home. It looked like a real family lived here. It was a nice, happy home. They briefly introduced themselves to me and led us over to the living room. I sat down on one end of the couch, and to my surprise, Marvin laid down on it and put his head in my lap.

"What's gotten into you today and your affection." I giggled.

"Can I not be affectionate?"

"Oh, please. Stop being horny in my living room."

"Charlotte! Jason is right there!"

Marvin's eyes widened, and Jason looked down, mentally facepalming. "We are not! Can I not be nice to him? Is there a law against that?"

Charlotte gave him a loud laugh. "I know your habits, Marvin. I hope you know good and well you can't do that here."

Marvin crossed his arms and pouted. I stepped in before we got into this uncomfortable conversation further. Jason looked like he was about to bang his head on the wall to forget ever hearing this. "Is there somewhere Jason can go while we have this adult conversation?"

"Yes! Yes! Please save this child." Cordelia got up to find somewhere to put him for the time being, and Charlotte went into the kitchen. She came back with a bottle of wine and some glasses. I perked up at this, and so did Marvin.

"I don't know if you drink."

Marvin laughed a bit. "He drinks tea with wine in it. Shit's horrible, I don't know he can even stand a cup of the trash."

I laughed back. "I don't what you're talking about. It tastes really good and gets me tipsy. You love it when I'm drunk."

"Uh- I most certainly do not. You always flirt with other men and get angry at me, and we fight."

I shook my head quickly. "Not that kind. I do that sober too. When I'm Marvin-loving drunk."

"Way too rare." He turned so he was looking up at me. "Maybe now you will, though? I would love it if you loved me."

"You get special treatment."

"Ugh, I feel so special and important right now, Whizzer."

"I know, right?"

"Like- whoa. You're so cool when you're happy, and you like me and stuff. Please drink more."

"So cheesy."

"Only for you." We both giggled.

"Again, get a room. How many times are you gonna be all over each other tonight?"

"I missed him." Marvin lifted himself up to kiss me on the cheek and fell back down as if he was proving a point. He looked up at me with a big fat grin. "God, you're pretty. I'm the luckiest man in the world to have you all to myself." Charlotte rolled her eyes.

"Where'd you even come from? If you don't mind me asking." Cordelia asked, now pouring out some wine.

"Ech, just some random guy's house. He made me sleep on the couch. I'm happy I got to at least sleep somewhere that night, though. I could barely sleep on the cheap-ass sofa, but it's better than some alley. So fucking annoying." Marvin shifted uncomfortably in my lap.

Cordelia looked confused. "Why wouldn't he just let you on a bed?"

"He asked me to pee on him. I'm not even kidding. Obviously, I said no, so he got all pissy -- ironic -- and then the next morning he asked me if I changed my mind." Cordelia snorted. Marvin moved his hand up and grabbed mine tightly. "Don't worry, sweetheart, that's in the past now. You're my number one." He looked up at me and smiled. Charlotte and Cordelia put down wine glasses for us and picked up their own.

"Feed me the wine, Whizzer."

I rolled my eyes. "Get up."

He shook his head. "No. Pour it into my mouth. I wanna stay laying down."

I shrugged. "Alright, fine."

I picked up the glass and strategically aimed for his open mouth, beginning to pour it in. It was a long string of wine, and when his mouth was filled to the brim, I stopped to let him swallow and put the glass down. I was disgusted, but I didn't tell him that.

"Thanks, Whiz."

"Any time."

"You two are disgusting."

"That's why we get along so well." He leaned up to kiss me again. "Oh, fuck, I can taste the wine mixed with your spit."

He giggled again. "How romantic."

Charlotte and Cordelia looked at us in disgust. I picked up the other glass and took a sip. "Is there a problem, girls?"

Charlotte practically choked. "Oh my God."

Marvin let go of my hand. "So, how were your days at work and such?"

She spat her answer. "Marvin- you can't just gloss over the fact Whizzer just water-falled wine into your mouth and kissed and he- he tasted it afterward and commented on it-"

"What's the issue?" He readjusted himself so he sat upwards next to me, right hand on my thigh as if he was horny. I wouldn't doubt it, it was extremely common coming from Marvin.

Charlotte cleared her throat and picked up her glass. "Well, I have a story if you don't do that again."

"Well, I guess."

Charlotte clenched her fist like she was about to clock him in the face. "I swear to God, Marvin."

Marvin put up his hands in guilt. "Okay, okay, we won't."

I pushed Marvin over to the left side of the couch and went in the same position he was in when on my lap, except I was the one laying down. I kept shifting around his lap but my head always landed on something in his pockets. It was like he had everything in there, I didn't know how it was possible. 

"Marvin, take all the shit out of your pockets. Why the fuck do you have so much?"

"Quiet, Whizzer."

"But it's uncomfortable."

"Hush."

"Marvin-"

"No."

"Please-"

"No."

"But-"

"Whizzer."

"You know we can hear you, right? Just empty your pockets, we won't mind."

"Uh- no, That's letting Whizzer win this argument, and I would never let that happen. He'll live."

"I can just sit up, Marvin. This is gonna hurt my head. You don't want me getting brain damage."

He groaned loudly. "God, fine." He started emptying out his pockets while Charlotte started telling her story. He really was overloaded with objects in there, it was unbelievable.

"Anyways, one of my patients- Actually, two of my patients called me 'dyke' today. One of them was an accident, but the other meant it. I know he did, just wait. Now, I tell my patients to just call me 'Doc' or 'Doctor' or even 'Dr. Charlotte,' but some people don't know. My badge has 'Charlotte Duke' and with the similarity, I could see it being an accident. The first guy apologized for it, and it was obvious because he said 'Dr. Dyke,' and immediately said sorry, I got that fine and corrected him, but this second one- whew. I have a photo of me and Cordelia up on the wall, just out in the open, signifying that we're together, very obviously. I don't have much shame for that kind of thing, even in this climate. I could see him look at it, and he sort of groaned, and throughout the appointment, he seemed distraught and uncomfortable, and at the end of the appointment, he harshly says 'have fun in hell, dyke,' and just leaves. Who does that? Some people have no respect, it's insane."

I held my wine glass up. "I get called slurs all the time. I'm out on the streets a lot, and just by my clothing and effeminate behavior, people can tell. I don't try to hide who I am. Why should I try to appease the heterosexuals, they don't deserve that from me. I get slurs, women pulling their children closer, I've even been spat on. These days it feels like there are millions of closeted men. I hook up with guys that were before publicly homophobic, even against me. Even you were pretty homophobic against yourself, weren't you, Marvie?"

"Yeesh, don't get me started. When I was thirteen or fourteen I used to force myself to think about girls. I used to wake up scared when I had those wet dreams. They happened more times than I can count. I just thought it was normal to think about boys sometimes, as long as I didn't do anything with those thoughts. You know, the typical denial thoughts. Now- Well, it's great." He giggled quietly just thinking about it. "I don't know how you girls live sometimes, I love men. Especially you, Whizzy."

"Whizzy? Are you tipsy already?"

"I am not! You called me Marvie. And don't act like you're just a god of sobriety." 

"Matter of fact, that's exactly what I am, Marvin. I have to drink gallons of alcohol to get drunk. You're the most lightweight man I've ever met." 

He pouted quietly. "I wanna be heavyweight like you. It sounds so much better." 

"Not really. It's way more expensive. Isn't drinking fun when you get drunk? I wish I was as lightweight as you."

"We're even then. We both want what we don't have and the other does."

"We're so different, Marvin. Quite the unlikely lovers."

"I don't even know why you picked me sometimes."

"I thought you wanted someone who was smart. I don't know why you picked me either."

"Nonsense! You're very smart, Whizzer. Maybe you just don't see it yet."

"You two are all over each other. Just go home, make out, and have a personal time together away from your son."

"Would you two mind taking Jason for the night, then? I wanna focus on Whizzer for the time being." He slouched over, and I leaned up a bit to give him another kiss.

"Are you saying you two are gonna have sex as soon as you get home?"

"What? No! That's not what I said at all. Can I not have moments with Whizzer with nonsexual affection? Jason gets uncomfortable with it. Are you gonna take him or not?"

"Cordelia will take any opportunity to practice. We've been thinking about kids lately. Especially Cordelia. She loves children."

Cordelia jumped up at the opportunity right away. "I'd be more than happy to!"

"You'd be great mothers. Still a better father than me."

Cordelia shook her head. "Don't say that, Marvin. You're wonderful."

"Even Whizzer's better than me."

Charlotte rolled her eyes. "Well, yeah, but it's hard to compete with him. He's like- perfect when in parenting mode. At least based on what you told us."

"Gah! Don't flatter me. Marvin talking about me positively? How unlikely."

"Oh be quiet, you."

"Never. I'll take any opportunity I get to tease you."

We continued to talk about parenting a bit more, but eventually exited the conversation, and set out for our own home. Marvin wasn't as tipsy as I thought, but he was definitely pretending. He just wanted me to carry him, but I didn't give into that. I knew this strategy well.

As soon as we got inside I pushed him onto the couch, waking him up immediately. "Jesus, Whizzer!"

"Hey! You're Jewish!"

"As if that ever bothered you before. Now you're just trying to get me."

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"I don't think either of us is very Jewish, Whizzer."

"Are you kidding? We're like the most religious people ever."

"God, you sure love sarcasm."

"Hey! What did I just say?"

"Oh, I'm just so bad, aren't I?" By then I was in the kitchen looking through the fridge for something to eat. Marvin got up from the couch and stood right behind me. "Is that right, Whizzer?" I jumped when he spoke, not realizing he was there at first.

"Fucking christ, Marvin! Don't scare me like that!"

He laughed. "See? You do it too."

"Oh please, I'm half Jewish."

"Oh yes, that means you have many more privileges than me."

"Mhm. Glad you understand it."

I gave him a kiss on the cheek before going back to the fridge. For the rest of the night, we went back to catching up and teasing each other. I didn't cook dinner, so what we were eating was actually edible. I could tell just by the fact he didn't force me to do anything it would be a lot better this time. We wouldn't have to split up again. Marvin was better.


	2. Yummy Nightmare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marvin and Whizzer spend the day at home rewelcoming each other as a couple.

May 31st, 1981

Marvin woke up in a horrible fright the next morning. He had a very bad nightmare about Whizzer. He had a nightmare about Whizzer dying. He was in a hospital bed, dying right in front of his eyes. Marvin was relieved it wasn't real when he woke up, but when he didn't see Whizzer on the bed next to him, he turned frantic, thinking that maybe the dream was real. Maybe Whizzer really was dead, and it just happened too soon for his memories. He took some time focusing his breathing, and after regaining his senses, he could hear the shower on. Whizzer was just in the shower. Marvin didn't expect Whizzer to mind if stepped into the bathroom. He had to make sure it was Whizzer in there. Maybe Whizzer was still dead, and Marvin had some kind of hookup to forget about it. He didn't know.

As soon as he turned the doorknob, Whizzer yelped quietly. Marvin was relieved to hear him again, knowing he was still alive "Don't worry, it's just me." Marvin gave me a sort of awkward wave while Whizzer peeked out. The shower walls were a bit faded, so Marvin didn't see anything. Properly, at least. He earned a glare from Whizzer for scaring him.

"Why are you walking in on me, you weirdo?" He covered himself up in embarrassment despite Marvin not seeing anything. He almost found it funny how flustered Whizzer was about it. Marvin sat on top of the toilet seat and breathed out deeply. He was so happy knowing that Whizzer was alive and well. It was just a dream.

"Um- I just wanted to make sure you were still here. I got worried." He laughed awkwardly, and coughed, not wanting to tell him about his nightmare. It felt off to tell him right off the bat. Whizzer gave him a suspicious glance and went back to focusing on the shower. "Uh- Sorry. I know that might sound queer."

"We're queer." Marvin giggled at the small joke. "Don't worry about it, Marv. Just knock next time, alright? You scared the pants off of me." Marvin almost responded to the comment, but Whizzer interrupted him before he got the chance. "I'm not wearing pants, I know. Hey, speaking of, will you be absolutely perfect for me and put my clothes in the basket downstairs? I'll wash them since you don't know how to do it the right way, but just pick them up for me? Thank you, you're amazing."

Marvin snorted loudly. "I didn't say yes, but- sure. Anything for you." He picked up the abandoned clothes from the bathroom floor and hopped downstairs, dropping them in the bin. Marvin was always a wash and wear kind of guy. Whizzer did most of the laundry in the house because it seemed all of his clothing had a special way to be washed. He knew a lot about laundry than Marvin did, and fortunately so for Marvin, he hated doing laundry.

He thought about going back upstairs, but he knew Whizzer liked his privacy when he was in the shower, and he already interrupted Whizzer once today. No matter how many times they had seen each other naked, Whizzer liked his showers alone. Marvin was the opposite, but he could live without Whizzer showering with him. Baths, on the other hand, Whizzer didn't mind Marvin joining him at all. Whizzer usually took baths when Marvin wasn't home though. Marvin sometimes didn't let him take baths, he hated running up the water bill no matter how well off they were. Marvin despised bills. Whizzer didn't have to pay them, so he didn't care too much.

Marvin decided to make breakfast for the both of them. Sure, he was a horrible cook, so was Whizzer, but if he tried really hard, maybe, just maybe, he'd make something edible. Surely thinking about Whizzer would up his skills just a little bit. Everything about Marvin seemed to improve immensely when he thought about Whizzer fondly. Especially now that Whizzer was home. He had proper motivation for it. Marvin felt giddy every time he noticed the sound of the shower running, overjoyed that Whizzer was really there again. He was absolutely in love with Whizzer, it made him feel warm.

The cooking turned out as expected. Not by Marvin's standards, but what everyone else would expect from him. It was bad. The food was horrible. Marvin was about to throw it away, but Whizzer came downstairs in a robe before he had the chance to. He clapped as soon as he saw a plate and ran over to him. "Oh, Marvin! What'd you make me?"

Marvin glanced down at the food and back up. It was visibly horrific. "I- Something." Whizzer laughed and kissed him on the cheek.

"I appreciate the sentiment. You tried, that's for sure. That's what matters, sweetheart." Marvin was pleased with Whizzer's compliments. Whizzer lowered his voice to a whisper. "You know we're not gonna eat this shit though, right?"

Marvin gave him a feeble nod. Whizzer kissed him on the forehead. "Should we go out to eat? What do you want to do?" Whizzer grinned.

"You're asking me what I want? How generous of you." Whizzer wrapped his arms around Marvin's waist. He made sure to be especially affectionate this particular morning. He was making up for all the lost time. "Hmm... I'm not too sure. I would make something, but it wouldn't be much better than his situation. Got anything stashed away in the fridge? You had to of been eating all this time, right?"

Marvin took a few seconds to think. "I've got cereal. And milk. And bowls. And even a spoon, would you believe that?" Whizzer giggled. "I know it's simple, but unless you wanna leave the house so early in the morning?"

"It'll do just fine." Whizzer kissed him again. They were both extremely content with all the affection. Marvin was used to affection from Trina, but with Whizzer, it felt natural, it felt right. Whizzer was the only one deserving of Marvin's all. Whizzer thought he hated affection, but Marvin was just the right guy to share those intimate moments with. Marvin made Whizzer feel special, in just the right way. With Marvin, he learned affection could be quite lovely. He was quite the guy.

They shared a few more small kisses and small giggles. It was almost thrilling to be like this. "Are you sure, Whiz? You have a very exotic tongue. I- know how strange that sounds, I mean like your tastebuds." Marvin sighed in frustration with himself and his wording. "You don't like shit food."

Whizzer giggled. "You seemed very determined to get that one right. I betcha knew I was gonna tease you for it, huh? You know me too well, Marvie. Good thing you saved it." He finally split apart from Marvin and got some of the supplies they needed for cereal. 

"Do you want help?" Whizzer glanced at Marvin and back to the supplies. "Okay, okay. I'm sorry for forcing you to make food so many times. I'll help you make the food even though it's a minor task. You deserve the help, blah, blah, blah, you get the deal." Whizzer laughed in response at Marvin, and Marvin began to run around the kitchen getting everything. When everything was on the table, Marvin paused. "But seriously, I'm- I'm sorry for how I treated you. I don't know if I've really said it head-on yet."

Whizzer flopped down onto a chair and shook the cereal out. It was cheap. "Oh, don't worry about it, sweetheart. Happy you had the nerve to help without me asking. That's all it takes, really. Getting help from you. I like doing things because it makes you happy- like when you don't ask me to do it. I don't like things to feel like a chore, you know? I like it when- oh my Christ, are you pouring your milk before you cereal? I can't believe I'm dating a sadist!"

Marvin scoffed, offended. "Oh please, don't act like it's so damn wild! I am so fine." Marvin coughed, now changing the subject. "Whizzer?" Whizzer looked up with a mouthful of cereal and waited. "You know I love you, right? You know that- when I say it I mean it, right?" He fiddled with his hands.

He swallowed. "Of course, Marvin. I love you too." They both smiled. Marvin put out his hand and Whizzer took it. "God, I missed this."

Marvin laughed softly. "Me too. It feels so natural now, you know? I wish we could've been like this in the past. But at least we are now, right? It's worth the wait to be like this again. I've grown so much because of you. You've made me such an amazing man. Thank you, darling."

Whizzer could've cried at the old pet name. He hadn't heard it in so long. Something about it coming from Marvin made him feel fuzzy inside. "I don't wanna be all sappy. Just- don't overdo it, okay? I'm not used to it."

They both finished breakfast, filled with strange chatting. Whizzer commented on Marvin's choice in cereal once again, and Marvin tried to avoid the topic. After they finished, Marvin found the perfect opportunity to change the subject.

"Hey Whiz, do you remember that old phonograph I used to have?" Whizzer's mouth was agape at the sentence. He definitely remembered. "I've still got it somewhere. Might need a bit of dusting, but-"

Whizzer didn't hesitate for a single second. "Oh my God! Go get it, you old bitch! You know I love those things!"

Marvin gasped sarcastically. "Well, gee, you didn't have to call me an old bitch. Although you wouldn't be wrong, sort of. I'm not that old Whizzer, but I am a bitch, I do know that. I'm not even forty yet."

"You're almost forty though." Whizzer leaned forward and whispered to Marvin. "Hang on, baby, you don't have much time left." He flopped back down on his chair and laughed. "I am not old! Especially not dying old. If you had a problem with it you would've left me a while ago. Well, you kind of did, but you wouldn't have come back!" "What am I supposed to do when I'm cold and alone without you here to keep me safe, Marvie? I'll have nobody here for me." Whizzer laughed again. Marvin didn't. Marvin's breath hitched, instantly remembering the nightmare from the night before. He was panicking, and Whizzer noticed. Whizzer always noticed Marvin's panic attacks. "What- Oh, Marvin, I'm sorry, I'm- I didn't mean to." He jumped over to Marvin and lifted him up to give him a tight hug.

"I'm sorry, I just- I had a bad dream last night. I don't wanna talk about it right now, but- it was bad, okay?" Whizzer rubbed Marvin's back, nodding along to his words. He knew Marvin would tell him the issue eventually, it was just a matter of waiting for it.

"That's okay, sweetheart. Don't worry about it. Let's go get the phonograph now, does that sound good?" Marvin gave him a hard nod. Whizzer smiled lightly "Good. That's good. I'm gonna hop upstairs and get dressed, are you okay being left alone? You can come up with me if you want, I won't mind it."

"I'm fine down here. I'll look for that phonograph, okay?" Whizzer nodded and ran upstairs. Marvin realized Whizzer hadn't actually seen any of his old clothes from before. He was probably excited to try them all on again. Marvin knew exactly where the phonograph was and placed it on the coffee table in the living room. He waited for Whizzer to get dressed impatiently on the couch.

He kept checking the clocks in the house, and after half an hour, he couldn't keep waiting anymore. Marvin was not a patient man. He stormed upstairs and straight into the closet and saw Whizzer cycling through his clothing, only in boxers. He yelped when he saw Marvin, much like when he was in the shower. "Marvin! What is it with you walking in on me today?" He threw the shirt in his hand at Marvin, landing it right in front of his face.

"You were taking too long. We live together again, why is it always so shocking?" Marvin pulled the shirt from his head and threw it back to Whizzer. He caught it. "You used to wear only boxers around the house all the time, why's it such a surprise that I see it now? And you said I could be up here if I wanted."

"Because I don't expect it! Knock, Marvin, that's what doors are for!" Whizzer picked an outfit as fast as he could and got dressed right away. He didn't want Marvin to see him like this. At least he was getting dressed now.

"I need to get dressed too, Whizzer. Outta my way." He lightly pushed Whizzer out of the way, and Whizzer exited the closet, but not the bedroom. He stuck around to look at Marvin. "Whiz, you know I'm self-conscious. Why are you staring?"

"Because you're pretty, sweetheart. I wish you'd see yourself the way I saw you." Marvin quickly picked an outfit absentmindedly, and they looked like Whizzer and Marvin again. Whizzer, looking his best no matter what he wore, and Marvin, looking normal. Too normal. Whizzer decided at this moment, he would choose not to mind it. Marvin was pleased with his silence for once.

When they went downstairs, Marvin played the music right away and held out his hand. Whizzer looked shocked. "Marvin, I thought you'd never ask. You hate dancing." Marvin chuckled, and Whizzer took his hand slowly. To his surprise, Marvin actually knew what he was doing, and before they knew it, they were slow dancing in the living room. It was as cheesy as it could be, but neither cared, it was cute.

"I kind of expected this to go differently, but I just remembered you're really tall." They both laughed. "Don't worry though, I'll still dance with you, even if you're a giant."

Whizzer sarcastically scoffed. "I'm not even that tall. Maybe you're just tiny. And old, apparently." Marvin didn't respond, he just kept slow dancing with Whizzer calmly. He didn't want to let some argument -- even if it was a jokey argument -- ruin their moment together. He felt at peace with Whizzer. He felt loved by him. Hearing Jason's arrival back at the house snapped them out of their fantasy. Marvin was still a father.

They split apart and Marvin frowned. "I didn't want it to end so soon." Whizzer patted his back and turned off the music. They didn't know what to do, they completely forgot about Jason. They were just thinking about each other like they were the only two people in the world. Marvin was almost wishing that were the fact now.

"You're a better dancer than I thought you were, sweetheart. I thought you didn't want to dance with me because you were bad." Marvin was flattered by the compliment. He thought he was doing a horrible job.

"There's always room for improvement. I'd do this again if we had the chance. Shame we can't do this in public. Have to keep all of it in the privacy of our own home, like most things we do together. I wish we weren't looked down upon for it. We're just in love, why is that so insane?" They both sat on the couch, Whizzer's hand resting in its usual place, Marvin's thigh.

"It'd be so fun to dance with you like that. Dressing up all fancy. I'd love to see you looking especially handsome, Marvin- not that you aren't now, but..." Whizzer looked at him hopefully.

"You know what, Whiz? Maybe I will one day. Maybe I will. Maybe I'll let you pick out my outfit." Whizzer smiled in disbelief. "And yes, Whizzer, I mean that. If it makes you happy. You'll have to make some special occasion for it, though. I'm sure you could think of something." 

"If it means I could get you in a fancy outfit of my choice, then I definitely could. I'll have to think of something. Seeing you looking fancy would be- just amazing, Marvin, you have no idea." They kissed again, right when Jason came into the living room. They didn't notice him at first and only pulled apart after Jason cleared his throat, reminding them he was here. 

"Oh, hey, kid!" Marvin stood up and pretended they weren't doing what they were just doing. Jason knew. He wasn't braindead. "Did you have fun over at Charlotte and Cordelia's?" 

Whizzer walked up behind Marvin and put his hands on his shoulders. "Did they let you stay up all night? Are they the cool aunts?"

Jason relaxed with Whizzer being there. "Well, they told me not to tell Dad." Marvin gasped sarcastically.

"What did they do to you?" Marvin held Jason's face. "Did Cordelia poison you with her food? Oh no, is that why it tastes so bad? Are we slowly dying without even knowing it? Jason, tell me you're okay!" Whizzer laughed at Marvin's fake panic.

"They let me..." Jason spoke dramatically. "They let me stay up until midnight!" Marvin gasped loudly and fell back onto Whizzer.

"Hold me, Whizzer. Tell me he didn't really say it."

Whizzer pushed Marvin back up to stand. "And I thought I was dramatic." They all laughed and sat down on the couch. "What, so Cordelia's food is really bad or something? I didn't know she was a cook. She can't be worse than us, right?"

"Oh no, at least she tries her best. You know, her last name is actually 'Baker,' it's insane. We have to pretend it's good, you'll learn. She'll be catering for Jason's bar mitzvah, so hold on tight for that, I guess."

Whizzer clapped his hands together. "Oh! Yes, bar mitzvahs. I forgot about those. Is Jason learning Hebrew?"

"You bet. He's a very fast learner too, I thought it'd take longer than this."

"There's so much planning to do, isn't there? And you'll dress up all nice. Wait! An opportunity! You're wearing what I want you to wear, not some stupid tie, I hope you know that!" Marvin's memory flashed back to the nightmare. Everybody who was there was dressed up fancy as if they were at a bar mitzvah. In a hospital. Whizzer was dying. Marvin tried his best to ignore it.

The three males spent the rest of the day doing whatever they wanted. Jason was having fun, he hated to leave them so soon. Everything was more fun with Whizzer there. Trina gave them both a look when she realized Whizzer was back but didn't speak a word about it. They all preferred it that way. Some words were meant to be unspoken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it cut off so soon, I was running out of ideas


End file.
